Perfect?!
Today is a disappointment! Pain and everything never delightful at all! I’m here writing 3:40am on my watch…very awake and very frustrated! I was really tired from my trip back home. Really tired but done my best to catch up the Reunion of our clan. Very glad that I came but the ending was really bad. My brother and my father got drank. My father had this intention-seeking mode in which he wanted us to look after him. We are having the dinner which supposedly the last part of our reunion when my mother decided to ask me to wake him up and eat before going home. When he woke up, he went directly to the road to go home. He was drank and we can’t trust him to go alone. My mother who was eating was in a hurry going out of the house to get my father. I don’t want to move. I’m used to this since I always experience this scenery since I was a kid. Yes, my family was never perfect. We are not rich and my mother stands all this pain. She always stays calm and relaxed but when she starts to cry, I can’t bear it! I hate those people who make her cry. I hate my brother! I hate him for abusing the chances that my mother is giving him. I am not perfect but I want to learn. Do you think drinking is a solution?!?! He doesn’t want me to react. It touches his pride I know. I’m trying to bring back my respect to him as my elder brother but how could I do that when every time I started to regain it, he triggers me to just pull it back! If he wants me to respect him, he must respect himself first! He is not perfect and my parents never had neglected to give him a chance with all his faults and pain that he caused the whole family. If he is to be respected, he should prove it. I was talking to my mother before going to another reunion. I could not stay in the house showing her I’m crying. I was telling her “Not all feelings has to be felt and not all the time you put yourself under his shadow. He will never stop depending on you.” I’m not sure that I’ll be successful in my future life but at least I want to learn. I was really in a hurry going out of the house because I can’t stand the tears any longer. It’s going to drop! As I was walking to the village’s highway, I felt so helpless but I’m thinking it as strength for me to move on. A lot of thoughts come out from my mind including graduating….future plans. He got all the luck when he was studying because he was fully supported by my parents. I am a scholar and I help my mother through that. My sister was working part time to help when she is still studying and my other sister never failed to show her best for my parent’s effort. I don’t want to count but at least he should not blame. Since he did, there were still a lot to blame back on him. He must not blame other people on what had happened to him. I can’t just forgive him for letting my mother cry. Right now, I can’t think of letting people see me crying…never in front of my “nanay”. Drink till you drop and cry yourself out loud but you don’t have the right to blame anyone for your grief. You made it and you just have to learn it by yourself! If my mother will get sick, I only had one person in mind to blame.
